Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Kids do the darndest things…

February 26, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Sorry about the stupid ad…

Why is this funny?

1. The guy that made his own batman costume then admits that its probably the worst toga ever.

2. The cop that missed the point – the worrying aspect is that there are hundreds of rowdy Kiwi’s running down the street trashing the city.

3. At about 55 seconds in there is a guy in the background that gets blurred out, see for yourself.

4. They are calling it a parade…

and life is like a song.

February 6, 2009

whoopass

I only just became aware of this but apparently when Etta James heard Beyonce was gonna sing her, Nat King Cole, Glen Miller’s timeless classic At Last for Barack and Michelle Obama at his Inauguration dance, she fuckin flipped.

“I tell ya that woman he had singin fo him, singin my song, she gone get her ass whooped… The great Beyonce … I cain’t stan Beyonce. She has no business up there, singin up there on a big ol’ president day … singin my song that I’ve been singin foever.”

Sorry Etta, but you aint whoopin my girl B. How bout landin’ on this sad panda tho?

 80917J1

(Finally i found an excuse to post this pic, UH!) 

Top Ten Things That Almost Rhyme With Hat.

February 4, 2009

notrcap

10. Ham

9. Hats

8. Lap

7. Meat

6. Snatch

5. Pabst

4. Cyber-Sex Chat

3. Late Show Stagehand Pat Farmer

2. Matt Lauer

1. Ass

All the above words and numbers were stolen directly from the Late Show website…I am bored.

picture of hat by Brad Morrison.

‘Naked chef’ strips for punters

February 2, 2009

I do believe that this post will fall under P Dilla’s category of ‘8% comical internet claptrap’, although it also falls under Tubswaller’s cheezyest titles.

A group of ladies who organised a hens night at the south-side haunt “The Honey Bar” were left hanging when the stripper they hired decided he didn’t want to perform in the downstairs bar. Now, nobody wants a gaggle of disappointed, horny 30-somethings trashing their restaurant so owner-manager Jasmine Vallas pumped the 22 year old chef with “about seven shots of absynth” and the young chap braved the downstairs bar and did a culinary inspired strip-tease that included a tea-towel, a whisk, mixed spiced nuts, and later on, warm chocolate mud cake (both of which actually appear on their menu, I’ve done my homework, see).

So to Jesse the chef with no scruples – I salute you for getting the job done and maintaining that famous Australian work ethic.

To the stripper that got stage fright – I say, who do you think you are? A stripper that doesn’t want to perform in public? I’m no expert on the subject, but I’m pretty sure I do that particular routine every time I have a shower in the morning. The tips aren’t very good though…

And finally to the hens –  should the marriage fail, next time round get a stripper from the mightier side of the Yarra, at least they will actually get their kit off.

Raise the Scrim.

February 2, 2009

lettermanhdxpp5

On the 6th of February 2002, David Letterman introduced a remarkable new segment to his late night program. Will It Float? The basis of the segment is to drop objects into a tank of water and guess if it will either float or sink, hence the name. Assisted graciously by two semi attractive models Nadine (stage left) and Andrea (stage right), flanked also by Anna Jack (Hula Hoop Girl) and Kiva Kahl (Grinder Girl) Dave and his irritating sidekick Paul then predict the objects buoyancy after Alan Kalter humorously announces the evening’s item and its prize.

The first episode’s item was a brick of Velveeta cheese. Paul predicts it will float, Dave predicts it will sink. It sinks.

velveeta_cheeseDave is quoted only a few weeks later saying

“We’ve only done this three times. Nobody on the show really likes it. From your cards and letters and phone calls, we know that you folks at home don’t care for it, either. We’re gonna try it one more time, and if it’s not anything tonight, that’s it. This could be the final episode. Because it’s, it’s just beyond dumb, it’s lame, and it’s just… there’s no point to it, because I think as adults, we all know what floats and what doesn’t float. So the premise is kind of false, anyway. We all kinda can guess within a fairly close percentage what’s gonna float.”

The skit is about to be canceled when Paul notes that,” If you don’t raise the scrim, we don’t get to look at the models”

“That’s the last you’ll ever see of Will It Float? You can tell your grand kids you were here on the night we killed Will It Float?” – Dave Letterman

Will It Float is still running today.

And for anyone just walking in, a scrim is a curtain.

All profits of Will It Float? Go to Dave’s charity, the American Foundation for Courtesy and Grooming.

Statistical analysis of NOTR blog’s potential future.

February 2, 2009

After much complex mathematical thinkin’ n shit, I have put together this marble pie chart to represent the possible future content of this blog. Do the knowledge, as there will be a quiz at the end of class.

clip_image002

21% Incoherent ranting after drinking too much Jamison’s and posting late at night.

10% more posts written about Barack Obama after I watch too much West Wing and start channeling Toby Ziegler.

6% the amount of post’s on this blog that will actually be posted by me.

10% more blogness?

7% the percentage of comments left by people we don’t’ actually know.

7% the amount of content in my posts that is actually Jay-Z lyrics.

8% comical internet claptrap found whilst looking for pr0n.

7% more serious political, social and artistic blog commentary. Maybe.

10% percentage of bandwidth used up by either myself or Dubbs when posting YouTube videos relating to Lil Wayne, Obama or repeated posting of “man gets kicked in nuts by donkey video”.

7% more free candy.

free-candy

8% more pictures of this horse.

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What more can I say? Get it?

Brraaainnnns!

January 15, 2009

Happy 2009 also from me interneters!

Whilst escaping the stifling heat I stumbled across a gem of a zombie film.

‘Zombie Flesh Eaters‘ aka ‘Zombie’ aka’ Zombi 2: gli Ultimi Zombi’ (to give it its original Italian title?); a self-confessed “Z-Grade Trash Exploitation” horror film in which the most horrible part was the quality of the dubbing.  It was so fantastically entertaining, but one scene stands out that I would like to share with you.

A brief synopsis: A yacht washes up in the Big Apple, no-one on board. A reporter and the daughter of the boat owner decide to investigate and enlist the help of two holiday makers/boat owners, one man with an inexplicably large arsenal, and his wife who evidently finds clothes very conformist, and decides not to wear them more often than not. They head for Matul, the island where the washed up boat was last reported (despite the warnings from locals that it ‘be voodoo cursd mon’), but our topless friend decides to take some underwater happy snaps along the way, when this happens…

I never rush myself. See, they can’t start the game without me.

January 8, 2009

sat

”Sometimes i sits and thinks… and sometimes i just sits”

– Leyroy Robert “Satchel” Paige (1906-1982) legendary right arm major league pitcher and wordsmith who’s philosophy on baseball was “keep the ball off the fat part of the bat!”…sic!

Anyway just picking up from where Dubbs left off in the previous post, 09 should be a good year for everyone at NOTR (i might even post more than 3 things? who knows) thanks to everyone who read the blog and commented, much appreciated! stay tuned and keep the comments rollin in, (i got kinda emotional when we hit a 1000 views so if we can go blog platinum by 2010 that would be sic)

peace.

sat-2

ps.Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.” – Satch



The bicycle thief aka One red bicycle aka R.I.P The Red Terror

December 11, 2008

Today I can sympathise with Antonio Ricci from Vittorio De Sica’s neorealist classic  The Bicycle Thief.  Last night whilst enjoying a post work ale on High St, some two-bit crack fiend/bike-lock combination guessing idiot savant thought he would avail himself of The Red Terror… That’s right, the very same Red Terror that was the subject of my self-absorbed ravings not two days ago!

bicycle thief

"Eh Papá, why is the people be so much an ass hole?"

The disappointment of losing a bike that I hand-crafted from a hunk of driftwood and a bit of old boot has turned to rage, and inspired me to get my revenge internet-style…

Remember this guy?

"Give me a house you cheap bastards!

"Give me a house you cheap bastards!"

Mr. One Red Paperclip, who managed to trade a paperclip for a house using only the power of the internet (with a little help from his friends at Reuters). Well consider me Mr. One Red Bicycle, same sort of concept the difference being that I just want The Red Terror back… and I’m a spiteful bastard. Spread the word, if you spot a flash red fixed-gear, besaddled by a ‘simple’ looking crack fiend picking at his eyeballs and looking unsure as how to stop his bike, kick him off the thing and bring it back to me, there’s a red paperclip in it for you, and you never know what you can do with one of them.

In loving memory of The Red Terror

September 2008 – December 2008

Introducing… The Red Terror!

December 9, 2008

My bicycle fetish has been getting on top of me recently. Nothing a therapeutic post wont fix though.

Great things bikes. If you are  N.O.T.R resident then it truly is the finest form of East-West transportation, although they work equally well in a North-South direction.

I ride a spiffy red fixie, you might see a flash of me careering down Nicholson St.  You can pick me quite easily – to the untrained eye I look a touch top-heavy, but forward momentum takes care of that, and I manage to remain vertical (excepting a couple of trips home from the Alderman, when gravity won that delicate game of chess we drink-cyclists call ‘balance’). Given my penchant for ales and my use of the cycle to get around, I now look like Dr. Frankenstein’s side project – bottom half Steven Seagal, top half Rodney Dangerfield (RIP).

You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

I made The Red Terror myself, I sourced some of the parts from the shed at CERES… the oddly tall bike geeks there are helpful, but you have to warm their cold, cold hearts first. I recommend chatting about the benefits of sealed cartridge bottom brackets, that usually gets them onside, then they will muster up the energy to find the parts you need in the ‘exclusive’ upstairs area. You can’t beat the prices at The Shed, 12 big ones for a funky retro frame… thanks tall bike geeks!

Fixies are pretty fantastic, although it seems lots of people are riding them for the fashion statement rather than the true benefits of fixed gears (I’m looking at you Dilla), and if anyone cares, and I’m not fooling myself that anyone does, Sheldon “Coasting Is Bad For You” Brown is the man to talk to.

Fixie Tricks – shame about the music though.

I’m feeling much better now, and I promise my next post will be more reader-friendly.

Keep pedaling, and God speed.