NOTR’s Completely Unqualified DVD Reviews

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CompletelyUnqualifiedReview

Generally speaking, i tend to fly in the face of conventional wisdom and blatantly judge a DVD by it’s cover, augmented by any information i may have picked up along the way. I’m sure Mr. Ebert would never approve.

I work in a video store, so i’m sure this is a potentially unethical method of review – since i frequently espouse these views to everyone within ear-shot, customers included. It’s also quite probably inaccurate, since i often won’t even have seen the film. Still, there you go.

Finally, i’m just picking random films off the shelf for this drop, and since we live in a bit of a cinema backwater in Oz, we can generally expect films to be released months later than the rest of the world. So if you saw it on a plane, or whatever, don’t cry to me about relevance.

Consider yourselves warned.

Twilight

twilight-movie-poster

Seen it: YES

This film shows us that contemporary vampires are distinctly Nordic, favour enormous hair and are capable of only the most unconvincing attempts at speed-running and speed-tree-climbing. (The worst in the history of both those venerable practices.)

Also we’re treated to the tender statement “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin”, otherwise known as the worst line of the year.

A dude i work with made the valid point that according to this film, the reason vampires need to stay out of the sunlight (by living in an especially foggy town no less) is due to the fact that they would perpetually appear as if they’re on their way to a gay rave.*

Tweens be damned. This film is an affront to gay and vampire legacy.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

sisterhood_of_the_traveling_pants_two

Seen it: NO

By the looks of this, they’re all under 18, therefore, as minors, if their pants come off travel is illegal. Thus quickly putting paid to any illusions of exotic sexual pants-exchange parties. Bummer.

Otherwise, like Twilight, its another in a growing list of movies based on books popular with the tween audience, also known as the only demographic that can still be relied on to pay for things (via their adoring middle-class parents). Good, non sexual, wholesome fun presumably.

See it, i guess, if you’re 14, bored, or just can’t score an invite to a pants-exchange party.

Marley and Me

marley-and-me-poster-1

Seen it: NO

Ok. I know. This is a no-brainer.

It stars Owen Wilson, Jennifer Aniston and a dog. And the best actor (pictured above, wearing a bow) dies in the film. Cue tears.

If i wanted to watch a movie with a dog dying, i’d watch Lassy. I’m old school like that. Alternatively, Amores Perros and The Wire s3 both have a dog dying.

Heel the love? I’d suggest putting this one down. (The dvd case, not the adorable puppy, of course.)

* Shouts to all the gay ravers out there.

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3 Responses to “NOTR’s Completely Unqualified DVD Reviews”

  1. Frances Baker Says:

    I know. I think when I saw Marley and Me on the shelves I actually said, ‘this sounds like the worst film I’ve ever heard of’. The story line sounds impossibly lame: Boy and girl have shit relationship till it is all brought together by a dog. Who the hell in Hollywood decided to give this film the go ahead? Plus Owen Wilson looks really uncomfortable about hugging Jennifer Aniston on the cover.

  2. bigdubbs Says:

    yeah i was going to mention the distinct lack of chemistry between the two human stars, but i think Wilson just had a breakdown, and well, Aniston is just monumentally boring.

    Its funny, so many of the press shots are of Wilson and the Dog chilling on the beach and shit, guess they just hit it off, i keep waiting for like New Idea or something to do an expose on the man/dog romance on set.

  3. Pea Dun Says:

    Peep the MST3k Twilight video.

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