Archive for January, 2009

Stupid hot…

January 27, 2009

So, it’s hot as shit right now. I mean really, 40 °C? Stupid hot.

wonder-sauna-hot-pants

It’s as hot as that bird’s inner thighs right now…

And you know that when it gets hot, a little bit of crazy comes out in everyone. Serial killer Ivan Milat is no different, except for the fact that he was bat-shit crazy to begin with, so when it’s hot, he’s off the fkn chain.

At some point after eating lunch in his maximum security prison yesterday, the 64 year old serial killer opted to saw his finger off with a plastic knife… Milat has been in the pen sharing showers at Goulburn prison since 1996, after he killed 7 backpackers. Clearly the heat has been getting to him, as Milat has also passed the time by swallowing razor blades and other metal objects, including disposable shavers, stationery staples and a small chain from a pair of nail clippers. Prison boredom is a bitch.

Quote of the day goes to NSW Corrective Services commissioner Ron Woodham for this sagacious bit of wisdom:

“He was going to try and post it, but then of course, when you cut a finger off it does hurt.”

The fact is, its stupidly hot, and that affects everybody, so dont’ let ’em say that Global Warming is an unproven phenomenon, even if Al ‘i live in a 23000 ft mansion, that uses more power in a month than the average american home does in a year’ Gore is kind of a douche, he has a point.

After all, look at Ivan Milat.

ivanmilat21

(comes with all fingers included)

Exile – Radio

January 26, 2009

This dude just keeps puttin’ out madness… [sic] film clip.

Its a multi-multi cultural world…

January 24, 2009

An Indian from Canada does Obama doing Jay-Z…

and brings Sexy Back…

I’m sorry Ms Clinton…

via Straight Bangin’

But nah bitches… you know it doesn’t stop there…

… i have no words.

One day your life will flash before your eyes… make sure its worth watching.

January 23, 2009

Its a year since Aussie actor Heath Ledger died.

Best wishes to his fam. his daughter and Jen from Dawson’s Creek.

heathjoker

Today he received his nomination for Best Supporting Actor, which i reckon he’ll win. Not simply because he did a pretty great job of re-imagining the Joker for the contemporary Dark Knight style, but also because there’s nothing Hollywood likes more than an emotional success story.

Additionally, no actor has won a posthumous Academy Award since 1976, when another Australian actor Peter Finch was recognised for his role as a crazed TV anchorman in Network.

peterfinch

Recently Unemployed Man Seeks Work…

January 23, 2009

bush_moron

I will be available in January 2009, and I am willing desperate to relocate.

LAW ENFORCEMENT
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I plead guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver’s license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been ‘lost’ and is not available.

MILITARY
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE
I graduated from Yale University with a C average.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn’t find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
I changed Texas pollution laws to favour power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history. With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father’s appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT

  • I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
  • I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
  • I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
  • I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
  • I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
  • In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.
  • I’m proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My ‘poorest millionaire’, Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
  • I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.
  • My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
  • I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
  • More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
  • I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
  • I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
  • I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
  • I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.
  • I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the United States Government.
  • I’ve broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
  • I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
  • I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
  • I refused to allow inspector’s access to U.S. ‘prisoners of war’ detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
  • I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
  • I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
  • I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
  • After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
  • I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Centre attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
  • I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
  • I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.
  • I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
  • In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
  • I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
  • I am supporting development of a nuclear ‘Tactical Bunker Buster,’ a WMD.
  • I have so far failed to fulfil my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father’s library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President attended, regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

(Props to the illustrious Miss Stafford for the email… which i pretty much just jacked verbatim.)


pressphotooftheyear

Barack… oh, bummer.

January 23, 2009

I am riding that Obama horse into town, and it all begins with the cheezyest title this side of the District of Colombia.

That said, I would like to spin ye a yarn about our Senator Obama, that’s right Barack Obama senator for the great state of Illanois. You see, along with Dilla I also watched the coverage of the inauguration, but this devotee started at 11 o’clock in the p.m with coverage from Diane “There is something creepy about that face but I can’t quite put my finger on it” Sawyer of Good Morning America fame.

Spike Lee, 6’3″ Limo, Mohammad Ali, the Queen of all M.Cs, Dick Cheney and his hot-wheels,  Aretha Franklin and her super sweet hat… fast forward a number of hours…

aretha

3:58 p.m, the moment we all audaciously hoped would come, and Senator Obama proved to his electorate that he too is human, you see my fellow citizens, the pressure got to the great man and he stumbled over the lines that he must have rehearsed about 182,000 times that day alone. I’m sure all have all seen seen the footage already, but for those of you unaware here it is…

Chief Justice the Honourable John G. Roberts Jr. has a lot to answer for

So I call the great man Senator Obama because some political pundits are claiming that his stumblings render him ineligible for the top job, and White House council C.J Greg Craig tends to agree, telling the pressticles that ‘out of an abundance of caution‘ the oath was taken again at 7:35 p.m. in the map room of Obama’s spankin’ new White House (is that anywhere near the basketball court where the leader of the free world intends to have a shoot-out with Magic Johnson and Larry Bird?)

bird_magic4

They look pretty tired… I’m not convinced Barack “Air” Obama couldn’t take them on

So he took the first bungled oath at midday, and the second, more legit oath at 7:35 p.m, that’s about one third of a day in which the uber-power of the world was in limbo. According to Mr. Craig, Joe “Dash” Biden took the reigns of the nation for those 7 hours and 35 minutes, does that make Dash the 44th president and Obama the 45th? Remain calm folks, our informative friend Mr. Craig will tell us that it has happened before, President Calvin Coolidge and President Chester Arthur both did it in the past, and look where they are now… lost in the dusty, dusty  pages of history… that’s an ominous beginning President Obama.

For the record, President Coolidge granted residency to the native population of the U.S, so some good work has been done by your predecessors President Obama, go forth and inspire a nation to greatness… President Arthur on the other hand passed the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882, which banned Chinese immigrants from the country for more than sixty years…

To sign off a few inauguatory words from the ever inspiring Rev. Joseph E. Lowery,

“Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around … when yellow will be mellow … when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen.”

At this point the two-million strong crowd erupted in a fury of ecclesiastic ‘amens’.

Winter in America.

January 22, 2009

united_states_capitol_winter

With the presidential inauguration now in the rear view and the worst American presidency since reconstruction finally over, Barack Obama, America’s 44th president is now seated justly in his recently refurbished oval office. By now Obama and his staff will be getting straight down to business on the issues concerning not only Americans but the rest of the world. HoHo.

After staying up till 5am Wednesday morning watching Channel Seven’s coverage of the inauguration which was like watching the Grammy’s knowing who wins but just wanting to see Aretha Franklin sing and the winner’s speech at the end I’m feeling now like I need to speak to Dick Cheney’s people about gettin’ me one of them wheel chairs to relax into for the rest of the week. Not too much happened between 11 and 4, notably Spike Lee talking about his snow white fluffy eared “this my New York joint” flat peak cap, me laughing about the announcers hilariously low voice, changing channels constantly to see if SBS was still playing the weather pattern and trying to make up my mind about Joe Biden’s wife being hot or not?…Discuss.

A certain low point in the evening was an advertisement by Chrysler featuring a cheap ass parody of Obama’s election victory speech “can we sell a plastic shitbox car for less that $50k?…YES WE CAN!” nice work advertising department! You’re really kicking ass in all directions aren’t you…Idiots.

Shout outs go to the sound guy who speedily turned down the crowd mics to avoid about 50 trillion viewers hearing members of the crowd hurl boo’s and chant “bye bye bush” as the then president entered to take his seat. Nice.

I would like to extend my congratulations to the former president on his achievements during his many dreary years in the big boy’s chair. With a list of political failures longer than the time it took him to respond to hurricane Katrina, Dubya leaves the White House with the lowest approval ratings of any president ever. Ouch. Nearly 80% of Americans say they will not miss him after he leaves office and CNN polls found that only one third of citizens want him to play a post-presidency role in public life. Sucks to be him.

With a near doubling of the national debt, the swampy ass fuck situation known as Iraq, America’s health insurance system not being worth a bucket of warm spit and a continuing war in Afghanistan that’s left its only financially secure export to be its opium trade, losses on the home and job fronts across most of the classes that cant afford to lose such essentials and an international reputation as good as…well not as good as anything really.

Americans seem so determined on pulling themselves out of this rut, and the hope that Obama has brought to his nation via his historic election has been a monumental step in its development, yet with all this optimism for success many American’s surely have set their expectations much too high and unfortunately for the most committed of Obama’s supporters disappointment may await them.

Now nobody wants to be remembered as a fool, Bush is quoted as saying “history will be the judge of my decisions” In the case of Iraq, the people and governments involved in resolving that situation will not likely be associated with the Bush administration so any success in Iraq will not be accredited to Bush himself, more likely Obama’s team or some of the other countries involved in the crisis (stand up Rudd!). So if you shit in the shower George, don’t take credit for whoever cleans it up! Dubya recently mentioned that “when I get home tonight and look in the mirror, I am not going to regret what I see, except maybe some grey hair” (cue canned laugher) let’s just hope he says candy man three times after he’s finished looking at his gray old mop.

“Our long nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over”

History will write itself and it may not be gentle with the truth, this is baggage you carry after being a president. Any late night TV presenter can get easy laughs by simply mentioning the words Bill, nuts, knees or stain in the same sentence and with Bush’s failures out scaling Clinton’s considerably, surely Bush’s legacy won’t be remembered as a successful one.

Nothing grows in winter in America.

Elementary my dear Watson…

January 19, 2009

sherlock-holmes-thomas-watson

There’s a dude going around flashing his mangina at young girls in suburban melbourne…

and right from the outset let me stress, that is NEVER cool.

However the video/press the police have released is kinda funny.

According to Detective Inspector O’Halloran:

“This guy is about 40 years old, usually rides a mountain bike, which is possibly blue or silver, and wears a bicycle helmet and wraparound sunglasses”

…well that narrows it down considerably.

“We’ve identified he commits these offences during the week after 4pm”

… which indicates he probably… has a job… or likes to sleep in.

“Obviously he uses a bike, which is unusual”

…unless you’re one of those nut-jobs who like to ride bikes, or you don’t have a car, or you’re under the age of 12 (everyone had a bike as a kid right?), or your name’s Lance Armstrong, or you live in Brunswick/Northcote/Carlton/Fitzroy, or you work at one of the hundreds of bike stores that have sprung up like hallucinogenic mushrooms in cow-shit after it rains.

_43054547_naked-bike_416getty

I know he’s here somewhere…

“He is described as Caucasian, aged in his 40s or 50s, with a medium to athletic build”

…often the case if you are a white male born during the 50s or 60s in Australia who rides a bike all over town.

“He usually wears a T-shirt, dark-coloured high-cut shorts or tight cycling pants, a cycling helmet and wraparound sunglasses. He also carries a backpack”

…well now it all makes sense: he rides a bike, wearing bike riding gear, including a helmet (which is a legal requirement) and sunglasses (which are recommended by SunSmart) and carries a backpack, because his briefcase kept getting caught in the wheels.

Watch the clip here.

Again, NOTR is absolutely against dodgy men on bikes… with backpacks… and bike shorts… and helmets… riding bikes… near kids.

Daily News…

January 19, 2009

Hey folks, ongoing apologies for my absence of late, i’m pretty hectic with assignments and school related nonsense.

Anyway, i had to post something, if only to keep my ‘irreverent social commentary’ hand strong. In what’s developing into a bit of a trend, today’s discussion will focus on an Australian overseas.

Harry Nicolaides is an Australian author who’s spent the last 5 months in a Bangkok jail.

Normally at this point i would explain my impatience with people who attempt to enter/leave Thailand with drugs in their bottoms or lizards in their backpacks… or for that matter, overly dramatic (but kinda hot) women with weed in their body-board bags.

marijuana_bag

i mean shit, you could barely fit a flipper in there…

You see, insensitive or not, the simple fact is that for as long as i can remember, i’ve known how nut-bar crazy the laws are in these countries, and unlike for example, impoverished drug-mules in Colombia, most of these people are in a position to know this too. So why the look of profound surprise when you get caught and charged with years in prison? Although, the relentless media staging of these trials does tend to leave me a bit skeptical.

But back to my man Harry. He just wrote a book… no drugs, no rare butterflies, no lizard in his pants (no Ron Jeremy).

harrynicolaides

Harry, originally from Melbourne, lived and worked in Thailand as a teacher between ’03 – ’05, and wrote a book called Verisimilitude of which about 50 copies were printed, and less than 10 of these were actually sold, meaning that potentially no-one has read it yet. Except apparently, for the Thai royal censor. Because King Bhumibol Adulyadej is not only the oldest reigning monarch on Earth, he’s apparently also the most sensitive and the lese majeste laws in Thailand mean that any statements defaming, insulting, threatening or obscurely referencing him or his fam can earn you up to 15 years in the big house.

brokedownpalace

but you don’t get to snuggle with Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale.

In this day and age, it seems pretty outrageous that an unsuccessful novel is cause for significant jail time. I mean, i’d rather put Dan Brown in jail for convincing millions of people that they are literary critics because they read Angels and Demons. That’s criminal, what Harry Nicolaides is in jail for, is not. As usual, NOTR hopes Harry is ok, and i sincerely hope the Australian Government puts on some show of getting him extradited… although we’ve all seen how well that works. Finally, I hope that if i ever go to Thailand, i don’t get arrested for this post (after all, compared to Harry’s book, the NOTR readership is relatively huge!)

Brraaainnnns!

January 15, 2009

Happy 2009 also from me interneters!

Whilst escaping the stifling heat I stumbled across a gem of a zombie film.

‘Zombie Flesh Eaters‘ aka ‘Zombie’ aka’ Zombi 2: gli Ultimi Zombi’ (to give it its original Italian title?); a self-confessed “Z-Grade Trash Exploitation” horror film in which the most horrible part was the quality of the dubbing.  It was so fantastically entertaining, but one scene stands out that I would like to share with you.

A brief synopsis: A yacht washes up in the Big Apple, no-one on board. A reporter and the daughter of the boat owner decide to investigate and enlist the help of two holiday makers/boat owners, one man with an inexplicably large arsenal, and his wife who evidently finds clothes very conformist, and decides not to wear them more often than not. They head for Matul, the island where the washed up boat was last reported (despite the warnings from locals that it ‘be voodoo cursd mon’), but our topless friend decides to take some underwater happy snaps along the way, when this happens…